


What the Heart Wants

by Xyzcl



Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: Existential Crisis, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Replica Program, post-remind
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:48:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25438711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xyzcl/pseuds/Xyzcl
Summary: After the events of Kingdom Hearts 3, Isa has to remember how to go through life with a heart. Moving through life is a lot harder when the side effects of having his heart removed twice send him to the hospital every full moon. In the lonely silence of the night, he wonders if maybe there was something he wanted back more than his heart, more than his friends, more than the stability being recompleted should have brought him. When someone he thought he would never see again returns, he finally realizes what his heart wanted all along.((I know the summary is bad, I'm sorry
Relationships: Saïx/Xemnas (Kingdom Hearts)
Kudos: 19





	What the Heart Wants

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even remember what 3am fever dream fueled this but you can rip my headcannon that anyone who was nobodied twice needs medication from my cold, dead hands

Isa let out a sigh as he stared out over the edge of the world, the sound of water flowing through the fountains and the floral scent carried to him over the breeze attempting to soothe him while he lost himself to thought. He traced his fingers along the familiar scar though the thin fabric of his loose grey shirt while he thought back to all the days he had spent in the organization. Most days had been somewhere between frustrating and horrifying and yet some of his best memories were from the period of time he was under Xemnas’ command. No matter how hard his friends tried to convince him that Xemnas had just been using him and that he’d only developed a heart before the last battle, he could remember those looks he’d been given while they were alone in the darkness of The World That Never Was and couldn’t help but wonder if maybe they’d had hearts longer than either of them had realized. It was their end goal after all, to summon Kingdom Hearts and gain back the hearts they had cast away for the power that now plagued him. He’d gone along with it all to save the girl he’d seen in the basement of Ansem’s castle but somewhere along the way in the timeless years spent in the limbo between life and death he’d lost the plot and found himself growing ever closer to the man he called his superior. There was an ache he couldn’t explain as he stared out at the clouds floating along the edge of the world while he pressed his hand on the scar from the two times his heart had been removed from his body. It was the physical reminder of the mistakes he had made while he had been only a marionnet controlled by a puppeteer on a stage. A reminder of the dance he’d been dragged into as he was led around in circles. And yet there he was, missing the waltz to the end of the world. He didn’t miss the dirty work, all the murder, all the pain he put his friends through, or the paperwork. What he missed were the quiet afternoons where his superior would sit in the office with him while they procrastinated on paperwork, the late nights while they talked about what they would do once they had their hearts back, the missions where they would both hurry to get everything done so they could go back to the castle and finish their other work, the days off where he’d cook dinner while waiting for Xemnas to come back upstairs. 

He missed Xemnas.

Deciding he’d spent enough time out brooding on his own, he carefully stood up and started down the familiar pathway towards the castle. Isa pulled his gummiphone out of his pocket to check for any messages he had missed while he was lost in thought, quickly typing out a reply to Axel to let him know he was going to be staying in Radiant Garden for a while before hurrying down one of the familiar alleyways that led to the back castle gardens. As much as he knew everyone had somewhat forgiven him and understood he wasn’t going to hurt anyone, he was still uncomfortable going through town square and the front castle gate after everything that had happened when the world fell to darkness under Maleficent’s reign. He sent a text message to Aeleus informing him that he was coming in through the back gardens as usual to make sure he didn’t surprise the castle guards before returning his phone to his pocket and climbing up the familiar yet now smaller seeming garden wall he had climbed so many times back before his fall to darkness when he’d sneak into the castle with Axel to see the girl in the basement. He dropped down into the garden, nodding in greeting to the ginger guard on the other side of the yard as he dusted himself off. The blue haired man quietly walked towards the back entrance to the castle, hurrying down into the basement lab to continue his work with Ienzo and Even. Ever since Kairi had volunteered to have her memories looked through, he’d been helping Even finish his replica research while Ansem and Namine searched through the princess’ heart to find any links to their missing companion. He’d been mainly doing busy work adding data points to a spreadsheet with Namine, Roxas, and Xion’s names on it and checking averages compared to the results volunteered from Ventus, Aqua, Ienzo, and Axel. Due to his own naturally low body temperature and odd constitution, Isa didn’t qualify to be added to the data sheet so he didn’t have to worry about saving his own results on the spreadsheet. As he sat down at the computer he’d been working at, Even waved him over suddenly. 

“Isa, I need you to do something for me.” Even explained when he saw the confused look on the younger man’s face. “Or more, I need you to do something for your future self.”

“What do you need me to do?” Isa asked almost immediately, ever the loyal dog ready to serve whoever ordered him around. 

“I need to get some data from your heart. Ienzo and I have been working on something but we’re missing something still. I think you have the piece we need.” 

The blue haired man was confused but understood that as it was his job to assist the scientists in their current endeavors, this was something he didn’t have much choice in. If the piece they were missing was in his heart, it was his duty to let them shift through the shattered pieces of who he used to be to find what they were looking for. If there was enough there to help them that is. 

“Alright.” Isa agreed while quietly resigning himself. 

Even led the way off into a smaller lab space similar to the one where Kairi was currently asleep, motioning to the bed next to a computer where Ienzo was getting everything set up. 

“Lay down there.” he ordered while motioning to the bed before sitting down beside the younger scientist. “Give us just a moment to finish setting up and then I’ll get you hooked up and give you the medication.”

Isa nodded, pulling the hair tie out of his hair and rolling it onto his wrist to make laying down more comfortable while he climbed onto the surprisingly comfortable medical bed. As much as he hated them after waking up in them more than a few times due to his unstable reactions after having his heart removed from his body not one, but twice, he couldn’t deny that they were definitely more comfortable than the ones he’d found himself waking up in when he had his reactions in Twilight Town or the Destiny Islands. If there was one thing Ansem and Even had figured out over the years, it was the perfect type of bed to keep their patients comfortable while they ran their experiments. After a few moments of settling in that felt like an eternity, Ienzo offered him a bottle of water and a small blister pack with two pills in it before asking him to lift his shirt up. Isa did as he was asked, waiting for the small wired stickers to be placed on the appropriate spaces to monitor his vitals before dropping his shirt again and sitting up to take the pills he was handed safely without risk of choking on them. The last thing he needed was to risk any situation where Even gave him CPR. 

“Lay back down once you’ve taken the pills. We’ll begin once you’re asleep.” Even explained casually while he checked to make sure everything was set up appropriately. 

Nodding again, Isa laid back down on the soft bed. He closed his eyes, memories of a warm hand brushing through his hair pulling him under the warm waves of unconsciousness with only a single passing thought wondering what they were wanting to find in the broken pieces of his heart. After what felt like only a few moments, he found himself waking up in the room with Namine leaning over him. 

“Welcome back Isa.” she greeted with a smile, taking a step back to let him sit up properly. “Dinner’s ready, are you hungry?”

“I think I’ll eat in my room tonight.” Isa replied quietly, shaking his head to clear it. “I’m not feeling well tonight, sorry.”

“Go take a shower, I’ll bring you something easy to eat later.” Namine smiled as she picked up her sketchbook and pencil bag from the desk before leaving. 

Isa took a deep breath to calm himself down, pulling his gummiphone from his pocket to check the time before laying back down to process what was going on. He needed to calm down and process where his life was at the moment. He was fine, everything was fine, he was just doing his job. Sitting back up, he quickly tied his hair back again before quietly making his trek through the basement laboratory and back up into the main castle. He wandered up the stairwell, through the familiar maze of hallways, and quietly closed himself into the room Ansem had gotten set up for him. It was a simple room with a bed, desk, wardrobe, and a small attached bathroom so he wouldn't have to run into anyone on the way to the one in the hall. With everything that had gone on for the ex-organization members, it was something Ansem had made a point of setting up for their comfort in case running into any of the other castle occupants made them uncomfortable. 

Isa locked the door to his room before emptying his pockets, setting his gummiphone, wallet, and prescription medication bottle on the desk before starting to strip down. He neatly placed his boots beside the desk, dropping his dirty laundry in the designated basket on his way into the bathroom. Climbing into the shower, he turned on the water, flinching at the initial blast of cold water before sitting on the cool tile floor and accepting the warmth washing over him. What was it he wanted in life now? Where was he going to go now that he was human again? His parents were gone, his only friends from before the fall had moved on in life, and the only person he'd grown an emotional attachment to other than Axel was never going to come back. He was well and truly alone now, the only thing keeping his friendship with Axel afloat being the number of years they were friends before Xehanort made them Nobodies and the pity he saw in his old friend's eyes when he thought no one was looking. Some nights he wasn't even sure he was truly human again. Where was the line drawn between Nobody and Somebody? Where was the proof that he was really and truly whole again? Were his outbursts at night when his medicine failed him during full moons the proof of his existence? Or was he really just half a person still, pretending to have a heart to appease those who seemed to care about him? 

Isa leaned back against the wall, closing his eyes while he thought back to both the times he'd been recompleted. Sora had been there both times, had beaten him with the friends he'd made on his adventures first in The World That Never Was with Goofy and Donald and then once again in the Keyblade Graveyard with Roxas and Xion. Sora had been angry the second time though, filled with a rage he'd never thought he'd see in such a pure light due to the kidnapping of the princess he considered a friend, the same girl currently in a deep slumber in the basement of the castle he was in. The pain he felt slipping into nothingness, was that the proof of his existence? He looked down at the scars on his chest from the two times his heart had been removed from his body and placed his hand over them, feeling his pulse beat under his skin. Was that feeling his proof of existence? The pain he felt now, the loneliness of losing those he cared for, the feeling of abandonment he tried to ignore while he was alone, the fear of losing himself to the moon's pale light, were those his proof of existence? He didn't know, he wasn't sure he'd ever know. Where were those years he was supposed to spend developing physically and emotionally as a teenager? Those years he was supposed to spend learning about life as an adult, years where he was supposed to find himself? They were so far in the past and yet at the same time, he still looked the same as when he had turned 18. Was he truly an adult now? Or was he still just a boy learning about how the world worked? 

Isa felt himself slipping back under the waves of sleep, the medication he'd taken earlier still in his system pulling him under while the rhythmic sound of the water hitting the tile lulled him quietly. He couldn't help but let out a yawn as his limbs seemed to turn to jello. After what felt like only a few minutes in his half asleep daze, he could vaguely hear someone turn off the water before someone wrapped him in a towel and picked him up. He let out a confused grumble, the person holding him quietly hushing him to go back to sleep as he was gently laid on the bed. Isa was gently coaxed into a pair of fresh boxers and a loose shirt before whoever was in his room tucked him into bed. 

The next thing he knew, he was waking up in his dark room, trying to remember how he’d ended up in his bed. He sat up and took a look around the room, climbing out of bed to grab his gummiphone. Checking the time, he let out a sigh and set it back on the desk. 3am was earlier than he wanted to be awake. Walking over to the wardrobe, he grabbed a pair of loose pair of cotton pants before stepping out of his room and into the dark hallway. He quietly walked through the silent halls, back down the stairwell, and made his way to the kitchen. The sliver of light peeking out into the hallway from under the kitchen door made him pause. Who would be awake at that time of night? Deciding that it must just be Ansem sneaking down for a sea salt ice cream bar while Even was asleep and couldn’t stop him, Isa reached for the doorknob to the kitchen. Opening the door, he froze at the sight that greeted him. There, sitting at the stove, cooking what looked to be a soup, was someone who he swore was dead, someone who he'd told himself he'd never see again. 

"Xemnas…." he whispered, holding onto the doorframe to balance himself. 

He had to be a hallucination.There was no way he was real. This was just the side effect to one of his medications, there was absolutely no way Xemnas was there. And yet, when the other man turned around to look at him with grey eyes he'd never seen him with before, Isa knew he was truly there. 

"You're awake." Xemnas stated calmly, setting the wooden spoon down on the metal spoon rest sitting on the counter next to the stove before walking over to check the other man's temperature from his forehead. "How are you feeling?" 

"I'm fine." Isa replied, waving the hand away dismissively. "How are you here? Xehanort is…."

"Dead." Xemnas finished with his usual calm air. He smiled, placing a hand on top of his friend's head to muss his hair. "Don't worry, he's still dead. Even and Ienzo pieced my heart together from the memories of most of the organization. 13 pieces from 13 members."

"Why?" Isa asked quietly, gripping the hand on his head and pulling it down to hold it tightly. 

Xemnas' expression turned to a soft smile as he leaned forward to place a soft kiss to his companion's forehead. "For you."

Isa took a step forward, resting his forehead against the other man's chest. Xemnas wrapped his arms around the smaller male, holding him close while he rocked him side to side gently. After a few quiet moments, the silver haired man pulled away. 

"I have to stir the soup." he explained quietly as he felt hands gripping his shirt tightly. "I'm not going anywhere, I promise."

Isa nodded, letting go of his ex-superior's shirt before following him over to the stove. He stood across from him on the other side of the kitchen island while watching as Xemnas stirred what looked like a chicken noodle soup. As he watched, Xemnas grabbed a teaspoon to taste the soup, nodding to himself and turning off the heat before setting the tasting spoon in the kitchen sink. 

"Go sit down at the table, I'll bring you a bowl of soup." Xemnas ordered with a motion towards the doorway leading to the dining room. 

Isa nodded, following the order out of habit as he quietly made his way into the overly lavish dining room. He quietly sat down in one of the chairs and stared at one of the paintings on the wall. This whole situation was something he could only dream of and yet he knew he was awake. If he was dreaming, this would have taken a less domestic turn than what reality had given him. The sound of the door being closed pulled him back to reality as he glanced over his shoulder to watch as Xemnas walked over with two bowls of soup. He set one bowl down in front of the blue haired man before sitting down across from him with his own bowl of soup. 

"Eat, you look like you need it." Xemnas teased with a smile before starting to dig into his own bowl. 

Isa nodded quietly, picking up his spoon and starting in on his soup. It was warm, flavorful, and soothing in a way he hadn't been prepared for. This was the same soup Xemnas would make for him before when he would get sick, the same soup that had soothed him during the rough nights in the Castle That Never Was, the very soup his superior had explained he was the only one with the recipe for. This very soup was how he truly knew it was really Xemnas there in front of him. He set his spoon down, holding his head in his hands as tears started to run down his face. 

"Are you alright Isa?" Xemnas asked as he set his spoon down, reaching over for one of his hands. 

Isa nodded, gripping the warm hand tightly. "I didn't realize how much I would miss you until it was all over." 

Xemnas leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss to his companion's hand. "There's many things that are hard to realize when one's missing their heart." 

"What good is having a heart if all I feel is pain?" Isa asked quietly, reaching with his free hand to hold that warm familiar hand in his own. "What's the point in being whole if all I do is hurt?" 

"That's something you'll have to find out on your own. However," Xemnas pressed another soft kiss to the calloused hands gripping his hand. "You won't be alone. I'm staying here, by your side." 

"For how long?"

"For as long as this replica body lasts." Xemnas offered a reassuring smile to the man across from him. "Even explained that it should age at the same rate you will so when it fails, it will be as if I passed of natural causes." 

Isa nodded, still clinging to the warmth of the hand he held. This was real, Xemnas was truly there with him. He was back and he wasn't leaving him this time. 

"I missed you so much." he whispered with a broken sob. 

"I know." Xemnas whispered with a soft squeeze to the hand he was holding. "Finish eating, you need your rest." 

Isa nodded, reluctantly releasing the hand he was holding like a lifeline before picking his spoon back up. He hadn't even realized how hungry he was until the sense of shock in his system went away. Once he finished his bowl of soup, Xemnas took both of their bowls back to the kitchen to wash the dishes. The blue haired male followed behind the replica like a lost puppy, wrapping his arms around Xemnas' broad waist and pressing his ear against his back to listen to his heart beat if only to prove to himself once again that this was real. Xemnas offered the hands on his stomach a soft pat before going back to washing dishes, humming a song one of the organization members had made to himself while he worked. The soft humming and the rhythmic heartbeat soothed Isa to the point where he had to stifle a yawn. He wasn't sure if the sudden wave of exhaustion threatening to take him overboard was from the medication he'd had to take the afternoon before or if it was from the sense of peace that had melted his stress away. Hearing the water stop, he looked up in confusion as the man in his arms turned around to hold him. 

"Would you like for me to carry you back up to your room?" Xemnas asked while rubbing soothing circles into the smaller man's lower back. 

Isa shook his head, pressing his face into his companion's shoulder. "I can walk." 

Xemnas nodded, waiting for the other man to pull away before taking his hand and leading the way back upstairs to his room. Isa paused in his doorway, looking up at the white haired man while still holding his hand. 

"Is something wrong Isa?" Xemnas asked quietly, softly running his thumb along the back of the pale hand he was holding. 

"Can you stay with me tonight?" Isa whispered as he clung to the hand in his grip. 

"Of course." Xemnas replied with a smile. "Let's head to bed, you look exhausted."

Isa nodded, letting out the breath he hadn't realized he was holding as he stepped fully into his room. Xemnas closed the door behind them on his way into the room, kicking off his slippers and setting them aside in an out of the way space while he was pulled along towards the bed. The two of them climbed into the soft bed and curled up close together in a way they hadn't since the fall of The World That Never Was. Soft hands ran along Isa's back while he settled in with his ear pressed to his companion's chest to listen to the rhythmic beating of his heart. 

"Sleep Isa, I'll still be here in the morning." Xemnas whispered, gently untying the smaller male's ponytail before running his fingers through his hair. 

Isa nodded softly, closing his eyes as he focused on the fingers in his hair. This was everything he had missed and more.

"Welcome home Xemnas." he whispered tiredly.

The last thing he felt before he fell asleep was the press of lips against his facial scar. This was where he wanted to be. 


End file.
